Of all the things that leave me a little, if not a lot, bereft, is the end of a television show that I truly enjoy. Whether it’s a season finale, or the series finale, there’s a part of me that has invested so much emotionally that I don’t want it to end. I go through a grieving process that is so depressing, I don’t even like to be around myself after a while.
I end up using google to find out more about the show; I need to find out if there’s more episodes coming, I investigate the actors, I study the writers. There’s a part of me that thinks that those amazing people are their characters, and their creations. I know, intellectually that they are not those things. Emotionally, I do believe.
I want to stay connected to the show so much, I’ll try and figure out if maybe, just maybe, one of the people who has something to do with it, will be a friend. I’ll look them up on Facebook, I’ll find twitter and tumbler accounts, anything that can give me an idea of what they’re really like. It all turns to just show biz nonsense. There is usually nothing real about what is put out there for us to consume. Publicists control all those things, not the person. There will always be that barrier between artist and fan. That breaks my heart, because I know I would be a great friend. I wouldn’t blab about that I’m this or that famous person’s friend, I would cherish it. They will never know this, though. I’m just me, sitting in front of my computer, typing this, and existing in a fantasy world.
The shows I enjoy are my way out of my life, of exploring and being connected. When they end, I find myself in my chair, or at the computer, staring at a blank screen and ask myself, “Now what?” I look around my apartment, realize that I’ve not cleaned it in a week, there’s dust on the coffee table, there’s dirty dishes in the sink, and I know for certain I need to brush my teeth. I try very hard not to sink into a cycle of self-shame.
I’m trying to expand my world, by going outside of television. I’m taking more walks, I’m joining pen pal sites, I’m writing this blog. I am trying to change my life so I don’t depend so much on the shows that will always end, in some form or fashion, and will always leave me feeling empty, and emotionally drawn.
It would be nice, for a change, to have a person sitting on my couch next to me, enjoying the same shows, and when the shows do end, we could talk about them, commiserate together over the tragedy, or glory in the wonder of victory. We could then get up, clean the dishes, don some shoes and go for a walk in the glorious park I live next to. That truly is my dream.
Then I end up coming out of that fantasy, staring at a blank television screen, or computer monitor, look at my couch, see no one there, and despair of my loneliness. Today, instead of finding another show to watch, to sink my emotions into, I am going to do my dishes, brush my teeth, and go for a walk in the sunshine by myself. I will smile at people, and say hello to them. (In my city, that still happens).
I’ll still grieve over the show I have just finished watching.